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The Makings of a Two-Time Champion
Since B will take the stage tomorrow night to defend Lord Ramsey's cup at KttD, I thought it fitting to say a few words about our game plan this year.
As Dabysan has been rehashing this week, the real secret to winning KttD is song selection. Many a kinda-sorta decent singer have pulled near and actual wins with the shear genius of choosing the right ditty. In considering B's song for his defense of the cup, it was important to really pinpoint WHY "Killing Me Softly" brought the prize home last year.
1) Most normal people don't want to listen to the original song. "Killing Me Softly," is REALLY long, dreary, and repetitive. It's minor key makes it even less appealing.
2) The song is just plain bad. One wonders why it was ever a hit.
3) Icky lyrics. "Killing Me Softly" emphasized the theme of the night with lyrics highlighting the fact that the song is literally torturing you. And it reminds you of this fact over and over and over and over and over and over again.
4) Gender bending is often a sure-fire winner. Since "Killing Me Softly" is a song is about chasing a younger guy, all the creepier.
Given the media-contrived controversy around B's win and my supposed lobbying efforts that sealed it, it will be interesting to see how his performance is interpreted when I'm not there. I'll admit that we're a bit worried that the overall winning criteria has shifted. Even though B's victory was clear, last year's runner-up performances were less about bad singing and more about total self-humiliation, fueled by the kind of rowdiness that only drunk women can conjure up.
So in addition to considering the first four criteria for song selection, we've added another one:
5) Soft-spoken and precious will not do... by themselves. The song must crescendo in at least a few places so the performer can demonstrate some level of drunken fervor.
Once we identified the basic criteria for any song, we honed in on what truly showcases B's particular brand of talentlessness.
6) At the lower registers, B presents a breathiness that makes any late night stalker phone call seem like a birthday call from grandma. It's this aspect of his voice that really creeps me out. I really can't stand it. At all.
7) At the higher registers, B glides in and out of tune occasionally hitting the right note, giving you false hope that the torture will stop. But he usually settles on something way off the mark, making you feel cheated and unfulfilled.
8) Any song must contain elements of both 6 and 7 to experience the full range of his awfulness.
9) B's "voice" is particularly droning. Longish, repetitive songs tend to accentuate this trait. This was beautifully demonstrated with "Killing Me Softly" when the audience started groaning and begging him to stop. It's crucial that any song must last long enough to start worrying that it will never end.
10) B mumbles and could easily be accused of not knowing the words to his song. Slower songs allow him to articulate, eliminating any chance of disqualification on a technicality. He'd never get away with a rap.
So these are the points we are striving for. I don't think anyone doubts that B is a terrible singer. But as the defending champion, B definitely feels the pressure to pull out all the stops especially with regard to point 5. Expect a more, uhm, powerful performance this year. I'm super bummed I'll miss it.
Excelsior!
